Pictured: The Scientologists are coming! The Scientologists are coming!
Scientology: What the fuck is it? Here's the short and simple version: Scientology is a religion founded by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's really figure this one out. You see, Scientology has absolutely frightened me ever since I drove through downtown Los Angeles in 2001 and saw it's main military, err, spiritual headquarters--which, by the way, looks like the fucking Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas after an all night bender on growth hormones.
Most of us have heard of Scientology thanks to celebrity endorsements from devout Scientologists like John "Battlefield Earth" Travolta and Tom "Mental health treatment is for pussies" Cruise. Sure, there are other celebrities who frequent the house that Hubbard built [click here for a list], but as of late, Tom Cruise has been the most vocal spokesperson--drawing attention to himself like a deaf person singing in a library. Sure, we've all seen the clips of him jumping up and down on Oprah's couch, proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes. And you've certainly seen the photos where Cruise is forcefully kissing Holmes, gripping her face like a polar bear tearing the jaw off a seal. But the latest news--word that Holmes and Cruise are engaged and that she has adopted Scientology and is enjoying her "lessons"--is what prompted me to find out what exactly this sci-fi religion is all about.
First things first, I visit the Scientology website. I figure this is as good a place as any to get started. After snooping around a bit, I stumble across a link that reads: How toxic are you? Okay, I'm intrigued Mr. Hubbard, lead on. So I take the test. I mean, it's only 10 questions (these Scientologists must be operating at a highly advanced diagnostic level to determine my toxicity with just 10 questions... but wait, what the hell does "toxic" have to do with religion?). Anyhow, a moment later, I get the results. To my surprise, I'm toxic. Not only am I toxic, I'm apparently pretty bad off, answering "YES" to eight out of the 10 questions provided. Great, just great. Now what do I do?
The website advises that first I need to purchase a copy of Clear Body Clear Mind, by L. Ron Hubbard. Supposedly, not only will this book help me to clear my toxic noodle, it will also increase my IQ. Not bad for only $49.95. The website also kindly provides a three-step method for purging my drug-tainted (even though I never mentioned taking drugs) and under-developed mind:
3 STEPS TO CLEAR THINKING
1. On the Purification Program, a person runs for a period each day to get the blood circulating faster and the system warmed up.
2. Running is followed by sweating out the drug residuals in a sauna. Profuse sweating helps purify the system of toxic substances.
3. Regular nutrition and supplemental nutrition in the form of vitamins and minerals is an important part of this program.
Purification Program can improve personality – and IQ!
Pictured: The "before" and "after" effects of applying Hubbard's Scientology methods.
But now what? I feel so conflicted. I'm toxic, my wallet is $49.95 lighter, and I'm exercising like a man possessed. But I still feel lost, disinterested in what people have to say, and mentally and spiritually deadened. My trusty Scientologic companion, the website, advises that I now have three options (everything appears to come in threes with Scientology):
1. Find an organization near you.
2. Read more from the website.
3. Speak with a live consultant about the program.
Since I'm still not convinced that Scientology is the answer to all my problems (although it's sure looking good right now), I opt for option # 2. It's the easiest option since I still feel lethargic and sitting behind my computer is easier than visiting the local Scientology shop or picking up the phone to speak with a crazed psychopathic Scientologic telemarketer.
To be continued...
Hubbard's Quote of the Day®
"The only time anyone has ever gotten into serious trouble was when he decided he could do nothing about something."
—L. Ron Hubbard (Dianetics 55)
this was a great article. well written and funny. i want more! just don't get lost on your way, we might never find you again.
ReplyDeleteI agree with anonymous...a great read!
ReplyDeleteI dropped by L. Ron Hubbard's freaky-deaky website myself, oh about a year or so ago after watching the E! True Hollywood Story about Kirstie Alley (THS is a guilty pleasure of mine). Well, she talked so much about how Scientology saved her life I just had to see what the hell it was. Well, what a mindf*ck it was! I am still confused by it. I find it frightening as all hell. Talk about name droppers: All those celebrity testimonials & the whole cleansing thing -- I don't get it!!!!! I've heard Tom Cruise's marriage to Mimi Rogers ended b/c of his obsession with it.
Dabbling in sci-fi, cult-like brainwashing religion, and the Internet...did you know "the great one" is also the founder of Earthlink?
Sorry for the long comment!!!
Thanks for the positive feedback Anonymous... I appreciate it and am glad you liked the piece. Part II is on it's way soon. And I'll be sure not to get sucked into the cult, err, at least I hope not.
ReplyDeleteJen: I saw Kirstie Ally's quotes on the website... she seemed wacked. But, so do most of the Scientologists.
So L. Ron Hubbard founded Earthlink?
Alright, I feel silly. I think I may have listened to someone with bad information (a normally good source of information on just about everything!)... I don't think LRH founded Earthlink. For one, he died in the mid 80s. Anywho...seems that there may be a tie between Scientology & Earthlink.
ReplyDeleteHey, you can get brainwashed far cheaper with the Avatar Course, a Scientology knockoff. See:
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ReplyDeleteListening and talking to children about their concerns can reassure them that they will be safe. Start by encouraging them to discuss how they have been affected by what is happening around them. Even young children may have specific questions about tragedies. Children react to stress at their own developmental level.
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You think you have the answers to everything out there, ok so the subject of scientology, you just dont get, well let me help you so your not confused/lost.
ReplyDeleteDo you understand what programing is, it's applied from the time your in your mother's womb and until you are born. You grow up and that programing is still applying it's self to you, you are a proclaimed, self taught and egotistical person who still being told what to do.
Are you tired of that inner voice telling you, you cant do that, or if you want it, reach out and just grab it, but you know better because if you do, it's called stealing you'll go to jail.
What the Dianetics part in this book is to separate you from that little voice in your head to go away, so you can clearly define for yourself that you are completely in control.
One minute your an engram (programed) to becoming a free (preclear)non programmed and living your mind's admiration.
Yes it's hard to understand what's being said, if you sign up for any of their free stuff, they dont nessarily hound you to join, however, there's always that choice to change and become a better, clearer, non programable human being, so you supposedly know how to be free to choose, access your harmony some ppl will say you have no control over, you need to move on.
Reading Dianetics to help you improve your over all well being, is an ok start, it's not like your being like their crazed counter parts, sure unless you've got $50,000. to join.
Earthlink was founded by Sky Dayton, who was born into scientology and had attended the Delphi Academy in Oregon (scientology school that uses the tech of L Ron Hubbard). Recently, Sky Dayton started up Helio, the new cell phone company.
ReplyDeleteThe most interesting connection scientology has with Earthlink pertains to the Reed Slatkin investment fraud. Slatkin, a scientologist minister, helped get Earthlink off the ground with venture capital. Since Earthlink succeeded, Slatkin gained a reputation as an investment genius. That reputation allowed him to pull off a ponzi scheme, defrauding investors of up to $255 million.
More interesting reading at www.slatkinfraud.com/reed_elnk.php
Just my opinion Matthew. Dontcha think that people like Kirstie, John and Tom are good starters at putting warning flags up to the general public clearly saying to those with any rational sense: STAY AWAY!
ReplyDeleteI would think those that are drawn to Scientology after hearing some of these folks rants will end up sounding/becoming just as crazed.
Nice to stop by here after reading a bit about Scientology and thinking WTF!! ...and having that reaffirmed.
Good day !.
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