SHOP TILL YOU DROP

Pictured: Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal posing for the camera just before dining on a Super-Pretzel at the Target snack bar.

Last Thursday, retail monster Target opened its Brooklyn store in a Hollywood-style, red carpet affair--complete with photo ops, a conservative selection of "hip" celebrities, and a noodly-looking band with funny haircuts [Click here for comprehensive clusterfuck coverage].

"What isn't wrong with this event," you may be wondering. And, if you are still thinking that way, good for you, I suppose. But don't think I'm going to allow you to cut in front of me in line the next time I see you at Bed, Bath & Beyond. And, if it's Christmas time and you try that shit, look for a knuckle sandwich to your windpipe. I mean c'mon, you're way of thinking is old-fashioned. If you ask me, every store opening should be a red carpet affair, complete with self-righteous soccer moms hitting into people with their carts and dads walking around with cell phone ear pieces and Greg Norman polo shirts. And sure, throw in some local celebrities and maybe even a kids charity drive for good measure (preferably a charity that doesn't deal with the mentally retarded, they don't photograph well).

Retail is the new social scene after all.

Shopping can solve so many problems, why can't you people see that? We all hate terrorists, right? Well then, get out and shop, buy stuff, support America. Nothing makes an Islamic extremist angrier than an American getting a good deal on a set of high thread count Egyptian cotton bath towels.

"Fuck you Bin Laden, I've got a 40% off coupon for Kohl's and I'm not afraid to use it."

Speaking of people who hate us and want nothing more than to see us suffer brutal and agonizing deaths, where will you be when the world ends? I hope I'm in the self-checkout at my local grocery store scanning my no-carb bread, trans-fat free muffins, and age-defying skin cream.

Wake up motherfuckers.