Former Pope Dead, New Pope Not Far Behind

It's official. After a grueling day and a half of deliberation, not to mention a shroud of secrecy, color-coded smoke signals, terms like conclave being thrown around, and an astronomical takeout bill to boot, the 17 wiley yet cantankerous Cardinals have finally chosen Pope John Paul II's replacement. So, ladies and gents, without further adieu, please meet God's lieutenant on Earth (who, by the way, looks older than The Guy who just settled in for The Big Sleep): Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, better known among his ladyfriends as Benedict XVI.


Pictured: The not-so-new looking Pope: Joseph Ratzinger aka Pope Benedict XVI

So who is this guy you're wondering? Well, word on the street has this fella pegged as a right wing conservative with subtle disregard for the rights of gays and women. He's been holding court at the Vatican, alongside his recently deceased pal John Paul II, since the early 1980s. And, he has a somewhat interesting past, specifically his time spent in Germany, where he was part of Hitler Youth. However, don't take my word for it, let the magic of the Internet make up your mind for you: Word on the street

Pictured: State-of-the-art Pope-detection technology

Strangely enough, I was mildy enthused when I first read the name Ratzinger. But my slight interest was dashed when I realized that Joseph Ratzinger and John Ratzenberger are two totally different people. Oh well.

Pictured: John Ratzenberger aka Cliff Clavin of Cheers fame