WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

Pictured: Artwork by incredible illustrator Matt Clark.

To say the weather as of late has been humid would be a massive understatement. It feels like I'm walking through some sort of cream-style soup out there. Fuck. I've never sweat so much in my life. I feel like I'm trapped in a perpetual glaze of my own perspiration. It's not exactly a useful tool for attracting friends. Good fucking Christ.

I've never really paid attention to all the talk of global warming, but maybe I should. Or, what about the hole in the ozone layer? Is that what's causing this suffocating heat wave? Is outer space just a really humid place and we're experiencing a trickle-down effect? Do we actually know that there's no oxygen in space?

Who knows, maybe the planet is plummeting into the wet and boggy crotch of some extraterrestrial giant? Speaking of crotches, does applying baby powder to your testicles actually help with the discomfort and jungle-like climate in one's pants? It's always seemed like such an outlandish idea to me--applying powder to one's nuts that is.

It's times like these that I curse myself out for not buying a house with air conditioning (or better yet, a house in an entirely different state). But, being as I live in Pittsburgh and it's only warm about 2.5 months out of the year, it shouldn't have been a concern. Wrong again Newton.

There are certain telltale signs that indicate the temperature around you has skyrocketed: 1.) Sweaty top lip or "sweatstache" 2.) Extensive chaifing of creased and hidden crevices 3.) A meat-scented odor, often leaking from your underarms or sometimes your "other" spots 4.) Noticing that your cats are draped motionless across the hardwood floor like taxidermied rugs 5.) Scantily-clad humans... for better or worse.

But once you've noticed the signs, what do you do? I've just tried to stay very still, hoping that the thick air will not notice or strangle me. But that hasn't helped. I've also considered packing my shorts with ice, but reconsidered when I thought of the pain it might cause to my nether-region (not to mention the puddles in the house).

I suppose I just need to "suck it up" or "play through the pain" as they say in the sports world. However, until this heat wave subsides, the neighbors will just have to get used to seeing me minus my clothes. Hey, it's not my fuckin' problem.