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the beautiful destruction

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

MOUTHFUL OF MISERY

OUCH MOTHERFUCKER! OUCH!
Pictured: The largest and most painful cluster of mouth ulcers I've ever experienced.

Some people are born with dashing good looks, a bottomless pool of creative skill, or even superior intelligence. Me? My story is different. I was seemingly dealt a hand of bent and tattered playing cards dealt from an entirely different deck (Possibly Beezlebub's personal deck?). You see, since I can remember (i.e. my whole damn life), I've been cursed with mouth ulcers. Eww. I know, disgusting right? Sure. When I talk about this with anyone, they usually grace me with the widely intelligent and moronically blatant response: "That's a form of herpes you know." Their face is usually scrunched up as they say it, and a look of disgust wells up in their eyes. Sure motherfucker, it's herpes. Great job. I'm sure your mother is proud of you; all that hard-earned money spent on schooling you and your sharp-as-a-spoon brain. Collect your prize at the door and please don't return.

Sure it may be a form of herpes, but I've been battling these bitches since I was a youngster. It's not like I'm some hobo who goes around sucking on loose change, snacking on urinal cakes, or randomly licking things that most people wouldn't pick up unless wearing a hazmat suit. Nope, I don't. Truth be told, I'm a fairly cleancut fella who just happens to have been dealt a stale, mold-covered misfortune cookie by the man above (or below... nevermind, scratch the God reference).


Last week though, I woke up to find that a colossal batch (yes, a batch) of ulcers was forming on the inside of my bottom lip. This is rather odd. Usually one ulcer pops up, then creates the perfect party environment and subsequently invites a group of its friends to set up shop and tear holes in my lip or cheek. But this, this was abnormal.

This all occurred while I was on a trip for work, a trek to Vancouver. My last night in town I drank a bit much, came back to the hotel and fell asleep (yes, I'm a wild man). Before I went to sleep, I had not one single ulcer in my filth-ridden cake hole. However, when I woke up, I had this fucking constellation of ulcerated masses on my lower lip, teeming with pain.

"How did it get there?" you may be wondering. I was thinking the same thing. That's when I recalled the night before, the alcohol and its wonderful numbing effect. Well, I used to think it was wonderful. After countless Heinekens and a flurry of Tequilla (To-kill-ya) shots, I was feeling rather OKAY, but a little tired. I had that nice tingley/numb feeling that you sometimes get after drinking whiskey. You know, that feeling when your skin seems impenetrable (to bricks, mortar, people's jaw bones), like some sort of force field is encompassing your body?

Well, it seems I must have been chewing on the inside of my lip as I slept that night. What did I care, I couldn't feel anything. I recall the iron taste of my own blood, the somewhat shredded skin stuck in my teeth. But the rest of the memory got misplaced during sleep, thrown out with the rest of the nocturnal trash.

The only evidence of this fleeting memory is my big puffy bottom lip -- the one that gets in the way when I eat, drools on its own accord, and winks at passersby as I desperately try to keep it tucked in my mouth. Co-workers stare at it, kind of like they're waiting for it to perform, bust out in song like Michigan J. Frog or some shit. No friends, these ulcers aren't the fun kind, they're not entertainers. Oh wait, no ulcers are fun.

Damn you minion-of-evil-who-created-mouth-ulcers! Here's a proposition: We'll meet in Hell and I'll arm wrestle you like Sylvester Stallone in the classic film Over The Top. And when I win, I'll get to drill holes in your bottom lip with a salt-tipped DeWalt hammer drill. Deal? I didn't think so.

31 Comments:

At 12:10 PM, Blogger Mike Woodfill said...

ouch!
i feel your pain Matt. If you remember, I too have been blessed with the ability to cultivate these inflamed infiltrators. In fact, this looks similar to what I had throughout my recent hospital stay. I got em real good... er... bad. If I haven't told you before, get Vitamin E liquid capsules. Poke a hole in one, and put the liquid directly on the ulcer. It doesn't hurt, but actually seems to speed up recovery. Happy healing!

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Matthew Newton said...

You definitely have had some nasty ulcers, like myself. Not many folks can empathize with this situation, so I appreciate the help. I'll have to try the Vitamin E trick. I'm at the point with this batch where I've considered pouring bleach on my lip. Ugh. My doctor prescribed me something called "Magic Swizzle," which is basically liquid novacaine. I love this shit right now. However, the prescription has no refills... what a bastard my doctor is.

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger hsv667 said...

Hello Mr. M thew Newton, I am always amazed at how many people simply brush aside all the warnings about Sexually transmitted diseases. If one recollects about how long the warnings regarding general STD's have been about, and how fast they are spreading, particularly in the africa, not even mentioning genital herpes pain relief, then the value of sites like MOUTHFUL OF MISERY become obvious. The proliferation of Sexually transmitted diseases such as genital herpes pain relief. Keep up the good work I enjoyed your site and will visit it again soon.

 
At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feel sorry for ya, looks extremely painful.

By the way, this thread appeared on google when I typed 'Beezlebub'. :)

 
At 8:26 PM, Blogger Pete said...

Have you tried changing toothpaste... Ive had mouth ulcers continously since I was about 12 and it turns out im alergic to a chemical that is in nearly all toothpaste. Its called sodium layrel sulphate and its a foaming agent that comes from coconuts. Its a proven cause of mouth ulcers. Almost all toothpaste has this stuff in, apart from afew. The one ive found is sensodyne total care gel. I think becasue its a gel, they leave out the foaming agent.

Anyway it seems to be working....

Let me know if it works...

 
At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Kim. said...

I have no idea who you are, but you're a fanastic writing and I'm LOLing.

x

 
At 11:59 AM, Blogger Miranda said...

I have had these forever. I have found that taking an allergy med has maded them almost totally go away. Claritin was the best :)

 
At 9:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pour ground sea salt on them... it will HURT but they usually go away in 12-24 hours :) (just keep adding salt) and for the pain of them bonjela is your friend.

 
At 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sure it's not std's , cause I'm starting to wonder?
These little mf hurts, as small as they may seem.

 
At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

broo, i feel so sorry for you, i've got a pretty big one (nothing compared to you) and it fucking kills, i searched it up in google and i see you i was like holy fuck i feel sorry for him! you should get some gel to numb it and go see doctors if it keep occuring :(

 
At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

broo, i feel so sorry for you, i've got a pretty big one (nothing compared to you) and it fucking kills, i searched it up in google and i see you i was like holy fuck i feel sorry for him! you should get some gel to numb it and go see doctors if it keep occuring :(

 
At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

broo, i feel so sorry for you, i've got a pretty big one (nothing compared to you) and it fucking kills, i searched it up in google and i see you i was like holy fuck i feel sorry for him! you should get some gel to numb it and go see doctors if it keep occuring :(

 
At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Put salt on it.

 
At 7:23 PM, Anonymous Julina said...

I had this as well after a night of drinking, maybe I was chewing on my lips and cheeks too - and it's not as if I'm a dirty person either* I had one before I went out and next thing i knew i woke up the next morning and my mouth was all swollen and as time went on canker sores multiplied, so I used salt and water often, a week later they were still there and getting even more irritating to the point I didn't enjoy to eat or drink - I decided to get it checked, my doctor couldn't say exactly they were caused by but he prescribed a mouth wash that they give to chemo patients that get sores after the therapy. and as it did nothing for the pain (other then make my tongue numb) i was seeing results in healing and by the third day of using this mouthwash they were pretty much gone! so now when i get cankers/ulcers i use the wash and they don't stay long

 
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